Well well well we meet again ......long time no see......well dear journal it s been a while since last time bout three years ever since i decided to take an act of celibacy ... that was fun .....anyhow ...to the point i have to tell you that for the last 3 years ive been having this huge desire to do something with my life and become better, smarter , faster, more useful....and you remember how i used to write all those things down back when i used to work at the station ...i have some many of those in a safe place...well i was checking them out the other day and i have made some changes in the past three years.....i was told that i could not change i could only get better or worse ...and than i was told i could change my lifestyle and i am so confused....im getting older and i am "working on working on how to progress"  i do feel like i have become better in many ways ...i lost some weight....im not sucha a drunk anymore.. i have became a more positive person ....i have faith i do take action on those dreams.......i want more from life and i know i will have more......but sometimes that evil in me comes and steals all of the dreams that i have for my future in the form of lazyness and lack of motivation ...i dont think theres bigger motives than "myself" to progress but then i think that maybe the problem lies in that i might be just thinking to much about what i want that i forget about others ...but when i think about others they just plain end up sucking ass ......now i know after taking  a rebirthing class that in order for my subconcious  not to think im crazy well  just similar junk keeps happening (i wanna curse so bad) anyhow wont happen again maybe my subconcious is crazy but im not and if i find someone like that ill just look for someone else better.....i love meeting different people , new people .....and if something doesnt work for me i will make it better or change it whichever ...im sure ill know at the time.........im doing what i like ......im likeing what i do ......im happy.......im happy ....im happy .........but why do i still feel like theres an empty spot in my life..........and no this is not a desparate attempt to get hooked up with no one ......because i did go out with different people and thats not the type of emptiness im talking about ....im talking about something much more deeper than a relationship with someone ....some friends say i need something espirtual in my life .....do you think that would be the answer?.....sometimes i have love, and i like it but it doesnt satisfy....others i have money and it just makes things worse....then i dont have any and i really dont give a deuce...and others i have both and its like whatever....ive been to church....and it pisses me off that they want to baptise me as soon as i get there..."dang let me breath yo..."

my friends, im happy with them but it's not enough......i have family and i love em but well thats all i can say about them.....and than i just find myself with me and I and in the end thats all i have.....but then i ask myself how can you help yourself if you are too; lost ....i am thinking too much and little action .....sometimes i dont even wanna wake up because when im sleeping thats when im not thinking.......now i not saying i wanna die or anthing stupid like that im just saying maybe i should stop pondering so freaking much .....i cannot be too good....i need something to balance me out...and i know is not something material...or a person....so then what is it........whats missing?

Well dear journal i almost forgot to tell you that i lost so much weight last year and i started my own business...im thankful for that.....ive helped many people maybe not for the right reasons but i helped em......and many have helped me......im not even sure "helped" is used correctly....you get the point !  moving on i have also lied a lot, i cheated i have stold i have killed and i have done so many horrible things that im ashamed of but i cannot change em....yes i have cheated to get places..i have lied to myself and others... i have stold many of my dreams, and i have killed my ambitions........dear journal ive been places thanks to others and not thanks to my own effort entirely ........i have not achieved anything by my own means......and i hate it.....i hate it so much ....but its that hate that keeps me going........i have made up my mind that i am working on myself more than i have ever worked to get anything else in life ....my first goal is to "achieve me" if you will ......i do know that i have so much potential.....i can be the best......i will be the best ....i am the best!

I CAN NOT CHANGE MY PAST,

BUT I CAN DEFINATELY CHANGE MY FUTURE!